Montaigne’s fifth essay ends this way:

I put my trust easily in another man’s word. But I should do so reluctantly whenever I would give the impression of acting from despair and want of courage rather than freely and through trust in his honesty.

Notice the interesting shift between the first and second sentence. The first declares that Montaigne is inclined to believe. It comes naturally to him. The second sentence might give the impression of noting an exception, but it’s really some self-talk and strategy — I should do so reluctantly when the appearance of honesty affects how others might perceive him.

That isn’t to say Montaigne really acts that way, and he has numerous examples in future essays where he trust people to an almost outrageous degree. But he’s aware of the tension and is putting a pin in it.

I’ve been thinking about trust a lot lately. Specifically, what does it take to make a person lose trustworthiness? Some traits are obvious. If a person has told a verifiable lie to you, you will trust them less. A broken promise leads to shattered trust. Misrepresenting yourself or your motives can destroy trust.

But I’m intrigued by another way people can lose the trust of people over time. There’s a style of behavior that never feels quite right. Often you can’t put your finger on it. The people who act this way seem a little different in every encounter. They appear to take on different voices depending on who is in the room. The things they say can have multiple meanings.

It’s easier for me to explain this type of personality in musical terms. A musical chord reveals itself as major or minor by the third note in the chord. So an A major triad chord is A-C#-E. An A minor is A-C-E. The A major sounds bright and optimistic, while the A minor is sad.

But it’s also possible, especially on a guitar, to play what’s called a power chord, leaving out the third entirely. So the ear hears just the A and E notes and knows it’s an A, but can’t figure out how to feel about it.

The 70s-80s band The Police dwelled in that ambiguity. But instead of playing the rough unsophisticated power chords associated with punk music, guitarist Andy Summers adorned the root and five of the chord with the nine notes (the second note of the scale, one octave higher.) He played them in beautiful arpeggios, creating an elegant jazzy tone on top of the refusing-to-disclose musical information.

This is why songs by The Police can feel confusing. Are Sting’s lyrics revealing or ironic? Is “Message in a Bottle” a song about longing and loneliness or a sarcastic flex from a famous musician getting more attention than he knew what to do with?

There are people in this world who are walking Police songs — interesting, engaging, but ultimately baffling. When these people withhold, listeners often fill in the information — deciding for themselves whether lines are played against major or minor chords, hearing what they want to hear. This creates further confusion. A person who isn’t telling lies or even consciously being deceptive can destroy trust by refusing to authentically engage.

Why they withhold is not always apparent either. Some people have social anxiety and adapt this way. Others are on the autism spectrum and their masking inevitably includes a great deal of withholding. But often being in contact with a person who withholds leads listeners to ask questions like this fruitlessly. There’s simply no figuring out whether the withholders are speaking in major or minor in any moment and no level of analysis is going to reveal the truth.

So, what do you do with a withholder in your life who isn’t going away — whether it’s a friend, colleague, family members? My instinct is to withdraw, to distrust every encounter. This isn’t because the withholder is untrustworthy, but rather because I don’t trust my ability to deal with the ambiguity. People like this upset my peace of mind. I’m sent into an endless analysis loop trying to decode behavior that cannot be figured out or solved.

To return to Montaigne’s language, I would rather not go out and parlay with people who won’t reveal themselves. It’s not because I fear being betrayed. I fear getting sucked into their vortex of nothingness.