I would gladly excuse our people for having no other patron and rule of perfection than their own morals and customs: for it is a common vice, not only of the vulgar, but of almost all men, to have their aim and their judgment based on the way in which they were born. I am pleased when he sees Fabritius or Laelius, that he finds in them barbaric bearing, since they are neither dressed nor styled after our fashion. But I complain of his particular indiscretion, of allowing himself to be so strongly led and blinded by the authority of present usage that he is capable of changing his opinion and advice every month, if it pleases custom, and that he judges so differently of himself.
When he wore the ruff of his periwig between his breasts, he maintained with strong reasons that it was in its rightful place; a few years later he saw it swallowed up between his thighs, he mocked its other use, found it inept and unbearable. The way of dressing present him incontinent condemns the old one, of a resolution so great and a consent so universal, that you would say that it is a kind of mania which thus turns his understanding upside down. Because our change is so sudden and so prompt in that the invention of all the tailors in the world could not provide enough novelty, it is inevitable that the scorned forms often regain credit, and those same forms fall into disdain soon after; and that the same judgment, within a period of fifteen or twenty years, two or three, not just different, but contrary opinions, of an incredible fickleness and levity.
There is not one among us who does not allow himself to be confused by this contradiction and to dazzle both the internal and external eyes imperceptibly. I want here to pile up some of the old ways that I have in my memory, some of them the same as ours, others different, so that having in our imagination this continual variation of human things, we may have a clearer and firmer judgment of them. What we say about fighting with swords and capes was still used among the Romans, as Caesar said:
They wrap their cloaks around their left hands and draw their swords.
And therefore in our nation we thank this vice, which is still there, for stopping passers-by whom we meet on the road, and forcing them to tell us who they are, and to receive insults and the occasion for quarrels, if they refuse to answer us. At the baths, which the ancients took every day before meals, and took as regularly as we do water to wash our hands, they only washed their arms and legs from the beginning; but since then, and as a custom that has lasted for several centuries and in most of the nations of the world, they have washed themselves all naked in mixed and perfumed water, so that they used to wash themselves with plain water as a sign of great simplicity. The most affectionate and delicate perfumed their whole body three or four times a day. They would often pluck all their hair, as French women have recently taken to doing with their foreheads,
What chest, what legs you have, what arms you have, (Martial)
whatever they had ointments suitable for it:
Psilotro nitet, or dry hidden forgotten chalk. (Martial)
They loved to lie down softly, and allege, as proof of patience, to lie down on the mattress. They ate lying on beds, almost on the same plate as the Turks of our time,
Thus did father Aeneas rise from the heights to India’s bed. (Virgil)
And it is said of young Cato that, since the battle of Pharsalus, having entered into mourning for the poor state of public affairs, he always ate sitting down, adopting a more austere lifestyle. They kissed the hands of the great to honor and caress them; and, among friends, they would kiss each other’s hands in greeting, as the Venetians do:
And I would give you kisses with sweet words of gratitude. (Ovid)
And they would touch their knees to request or greet a great person. Pasiclez the philosopher, brother of Crates, instead of placing his hand on the knee, placed it on the genitals. The man he was addressing rudely pushed him away: “What?” he said, “isn’t this as much yours as the knees?” They ate fruit at the end of the meal, as we do. They sponge their arses (we must leave to women this vain superstition of words) with a sponge; that is why Spongia is an obscene word in Latin; and this sponge was attached to the end of a stick, as the story of the man who was led to be presented to the beasts in front of the people shows who asked for leave to go about his business; and, having no other means of killing himself, he thrust this stick and sponge down his throat and choked himself. They wiped their catze with perfumed wool when they had finished:
But I’ll do nothing for you, but wash your wool. (Martial)
At the crossroads in Rome there were vessels and half-barrels for preparing to piss on passers-by,
I have often put a pit for myself and short barrels; Bound in sleep, they believe that they lift up their clothes. (Lucretius)
They had snacks between meals. And in summer there were snow vendors to cool the wine; and there were those who used snow in winter, as they found the wine still not cold enough. The great had their –299–spurs and coats, and their fools to give them pleasure. In winter they were served meat on firepits that were carried to the table; and they had portable kitchens, as I have seen them, in which all their service was dragged after them,
Have these feasts for yourselves, you who are rich; We are offended by the walking supper. (Martial)
And in summer they would often have fresh, clear water flowing in channels below them in their low rooms, where there were many fish, which the diners would choose and take in their hands to have each one prepared at his place. Fish have always had the privilege, as they still do, of the great mixing themselves up in knowing how to prepare it: also, the taste is much more exquisite than that of meat, at least for me. But, in all kinds of magnificence, debauchery and voluptuous inventions, softness and sumptuousness, we do, in truth, what we can to equal them, for our will is as well spent as theirs; but our self-sufficiency cannot achieve it: nor are our strengths capable of joining them in these vicious parts, than to the virtuous: for both start from a vigor of spirit that was incomparably greater in them than in us; and the souls, the less strong they are, the less they have the means to do either good or evil.
The highest point among them was the middle. The front and back did not have, in writing and speaking, any significance of greatness, as can be seen clearly from their writings: they would say Oppius and Caesar as readily as Caesar and Oppius, and would say ‘I’ and ‘you’ interchangeably. This is why I once noticed, in Plutarch’s Life of Flaminius, a place where it seems that the author, speaking of the jealousy of glory that existed between the Aetolians and the Romans for the gain of a battle that they had won together, makes some reference to what the Greek songs called the Aetolians before the Romans, if there is not some Amphibology in François’ words. The ladies, being in the steam rooms, received men there from time to time, and used their servants there to rub and anoint them,
My black servant, wrapped in a girdle, nourishes you, Stands, whenever you cherish her naked with warm waters. (Martial)
They sprinkle themselves with some powder to suppress the sweating. The ancient Gauls, says Sidonius Appollinaris, wore their hair long in front, and the back of the head shaven, which is the fashion that has come to be renewed by the effeminate and cowardly use of this century. The Romans paid what was owed to the boatmen for their rowing as soon as the boat entered the port; we do the same after we have reached port,
While the ass is being demanded, while the mule is tied, A whole hour passes. (Horace)
The women slept on the bed on the side of the alley: that is why Caesar was called spondam Regis Nicomedis (I swear by King Nicomedes.) They take the air while drinking. They baptize the wine,
Which boy will extinguish the burning flame of Falerni faster? The cup is passed by the lymph? (Horace)
And those mushroom-like faces of our lackeys were there too, O Jane, à tergo quem nulla ciconia pinsit,
Nor has the hand imitated the white, mobile ears, nor has the tongue thirsted as much as an Apulian dog. (Persius)
The Aeginean and Roman ladies wear white mourning, as our people were accustomed to, and should continue to do, if I am to be believed. But there are entire books written on this subject.