One of the positive impacts of not having a stable readership is that there’s no demand for me to keep going when I need a break. These past two months have been a period of endless support for others and my personal writing has had to take a backseat. I’ve tried to keep going, delved into The Dekalog, took a detour into The Drift, but ultimately, my projects are spinning their wheels right now.
Honestly, it would have been a miracle if they weren’t, given all of the logistical planning and execution — definitely not my strengths — I’ve had to handle both in my personal and professional life.
I entered this period on a high, with a mindset that I have a stronger handle on my life than I’ve had in quite some time. That feeling isn’t entirely gone, but it’s joined by a deep sense of exhaustion, physical and mental. One of the interesting sensations I’m having right now is that while I was able to take on and complete a great deal of responsibilites recently, I don’t feel at all triumphant at the end point — and neither do I wish anything I’ve just done could repeat or be continued. I’m happy it’s all done, if vaguely disatisfied in how some of it played out.
I have a strong sense that people are depending on me too much and I need to make myself more scarce. The longer I make it easier for others not to do things for themselves, the longer they will lean on me — and the more I make it seem like I need no one’s care or support in carrying on, the less they will care about my needs.
That means more space for my personal writing, but it may take some time for me to figure out the direction. I’m fighting a strong urge to disown or destroy some of my past writing, especially anything concerning romantic love. But such actions in the past only brought me temporary comfort, so I’ll do my best to not repeat the error.
Right now, I feel like all desire has left me, but what’s left inside isn’t depression. I’m just waiting for something new to fill up the empty space. Summer is a nice time to rethink the things I care about most.
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