Bits and Pieces

I want to focus on a singular Montaigne quote, my favorite of his, perhaps my favorite saying from anyone:

We are entirely made up of bits and pieces, woven together so diversely and so shapelessly that each one of them pulls its own way at every moment. And there is as much difference between us and ourselves as there is between us and other people.

Is it possible to look at yourself with wonder? I don’t mean in that state of self important awe as narcissists display. Rather, to take a step back and look at oneself and have genuine disbelief about oneself?

I had this experience recently. I went through some days this week when I was simultaneously thriving and falling apart, behaving with incredible patience and kindness towards those in front of me while seething within. Looking back now, how is it possible that I simultaneously had a mental health crisis and remained completely in control?

As much difference between ourselves and other people, indeed.  What else can explain it? It was only the necessity of keeping myself together that maintained the sense of gravity. I was cut off from so much of my support systems — no daily F45, no neighborhood coffee acquaintances, no coworkers … not even my normal obsession with this space.

But as someone who has promoted mental health services, I’m left a bit baffled. Would I have fared better with someone to support me? Or would I have merely shifted the nature of the duality?

It’s the dutiful, enduring part of me that allows me to overcome hardship, not the inquiring me or even the feeling me. Those part can help contextualize and share, but they can’t push me when I want nothing more than to collapse.

But all our personae have limits and I felt close to mind this week. I could sense my enduring bite wobbling at times. My soul needs quiet contemplation to recharge.

There are multitudes in us and in Montaigne’s thoughts about it. The variability is also predictable. There are triggers we can anticipate. There are comforts we can come home to, even when continents away.

Understand and love all those other people within, for they are certain to return, even if there are years in between.