The most difficult part of being someone who takes care of others is the asymmetry. It’s not the actual care that’s draining. Checking in on people is central to what I do and who I am. Often I find myself having to check in on people — and show care to — people who I don’t particularly like.
The giving isn’t a problem, even when it’s a chore. What hurts is how rarely anyone checks back on me. And so I’m left using this spot as an outlet for feelings I’d be perfectly happy to share privately, because if no one cares enough to ask, thoughts and feelings have no other way of getting out.
I suppose I could work on being someone who never has to let anything out, but that doesn’t strike me as a healthy way to live. Someone who I like recently referred to me as mysterious, which struck me as absurd, because if anything I’m excessively transparent. Anyone who really wants to know me could do so with a minimal of effort. With about 15 minutes on this website, you could probably know more about me than the vast majority of people on the planet.
If there is a mysterious element to me, perhaps it’s trying to figure out how I fit into the typical templates of life. And it’s true, I’m not someone who actively seeks out pair bondings, not anymore at least. But that doesn’t mean I lack affection or the need for connections of some sort. I think I’ve made enough attempts at trying to explain that in various essays over the past few years. If there’s one thing I feel the need to hold back from further attempts at explanation, it’s that.
But if anyone wants to talk about it, I’m perfectly happy to do so. Right now, I’m contemplating having to show coldness to someone just to end up giving no more than I get back. It’s against my nature, however, and it’s bothering me a great deal.
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