The Superspreader

Republicans had this giddy moment last week when they thought God had stepped in and handed them this transformational gift of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death. They felt like they had just won the culture wars lottery. Now they could force through a right wing judge in the middle of a campaign, changing the subject from the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic. Even if the polling numbers looked relatively bad, it couldn’t be worse than Trump’s COVID-19 polling. And even if he did lose, they shift the balance of the court.

So they plan this big banquet or pageant to celebrate the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett. They decide to hold it inside and out. And wow, we can parade Barrett’s seven children, some non white, on television. Perfect. Just make sure not to cover those beautiful faces with masks.

In fact, now that we think about it, let’s not have anyone put on masks, indoors or out. Everyone’s tested before they come to the White House anyway, so who cares? Oh, you say some people were invited too late to be tested? Nah, let them come too. It’s a party! And we need big parties now, right? We’re not going to be like those baby Democrats with their big masks, cancelled football games and “contact tracing,” whatever that is.

And so after this Red Wedding, I mean Supreme Court nominee rollout, the President resumes yelling and interrupting prep with Chris Christie, who assured him that if you interrupt a stutterer, he will seem senile. Nice! And thank you so much Mr. President for not making us wear a damn mask while we prep — so thoughtful of you! You know a fat man like me has a hard time breathing in a mask after 10 seconds of talking.

So then the NY Times drops the story of Trump’s taxes and he’s in an even pissier mood than normal. So they get to the debate event hall on Tuesday — late, so they can’t be tested on site and go by the “honor system” — and they send the message to everyone on Team Trump: no wearing of masks from anyone on our team in the hall. If a doctor asks you to put one on — as one did — send him away. You have a point to make.

Next day, people start feeling sick. Damn, what do we do next? I know, blame Hope Hicks! Everyone knows she sleeps with everyone, it’s a great cover story. Trump jokes that he wouldn’t mind that rumor getting around in case he catches it. It’s just so fucking hilarious and everyone just assumes that first positive test for Trump is a false positive. He can’t be sick now — he needs to beg for campaign cash at his country club in New Jersey. Oh, should we start that experimental treatment first before I go “just in case?”

Ok, so we know he has it now — it’s ok, he has supergenes and this will just prove the virus isn’t so bad. Let’s make sure Dems feel pressured to play nice. We’ll ramp up our negative ads while they take down there’s. Next, let’s send the message that they should stop campaigning.

We, of course, won’t stop pushing the ACB nomination. How dare you claim equivalency. You say three Republican Senators (so far) have COVID? Full steam ahead! Send out the President’s doctor, assure them it’s all ok. No wait, send out his Chief of Staff to say things aren’t ok. Confusion is our friend!

But it’s all ok, we can still keep this campaign moving full steam ah…. wait, how many campaign staffers have COVID now? Can we get a few Proud Boys in here to run things while they’re out?

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